How couples handle their disagreements is the best predictor of whether they stay together or split.

Studies suggest that the seeds of marital distress and divorce are already there for many as they walk down the aisle-in the issues they have not dealt with or have dealt with in a way that will damage their relationship, perhaps irreparably. These patterns can predict divorce with 90% accuracy. The good news is that couples can learn skills and attitudes associated with marital success.

PREP is not therapy: it’s education and its goal is prevention. Program materials include videotapes, audio tapes and slides that illustrate what is being taught and allow couples to react and to relate the examples to their own experience.

Among some factors associated with future marital distress and divorce are some no one can do anything about - if your parents have been divorced or if you have been divorced, for instance, or if each of you has a different religion. These are called static factors.

But other predictors, so- called dynamic factors, can be changed: how well you communicate with one another, for instance, or how you manage conflict, or how committed you are to the relationship.

……What couples argue about, is not as important as how they argue.

PREP has identified four key danger signs in a relationship, signs which ultimately predict divorce.

ESCALATION: When partners respond to each other in a negative way, raising the ante each time so that ultimately, conditions deteriorate. Couples who are happy and likely to stay that way are less prone to escalation and, if they start to escalate, they can stop the negative process before it erupts into a full-blown and nasty fight.

NEGATIVE INTERPRETATION: When one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than they really are.

WITHDRAWAL AND AVOIDANCE: A pattern in which one partner is unwilling to get into discussions about important issues or stay with them. It can be as obvious as leaving the room or as subtle as shutting down during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an argument, or may agree quickly to some suggestion just to end the conversation, with no real intention of following through.

INVALIDATION: One partner, subtly or directly, puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other: A subtle form of invalidation occurs when you’re expecting praise from your partner for some positive action and it’s ignored, while a minor problem is highlighted.

For example: Both partners are employed full-time. The female assumes the largest share of the domestic chores, which is the way it often is. Then they have a discussion, and decide the husband will do two hours of housework on Sundays.

So she goes out with friends and he spends 22 hours doing housework. When she comes home, he’s watching the football game on television. And the first words out of her mouth as she walks in the door are: "I knew it! I knew you would do nothing!"

A couple trying to change patterns of behavior needs a lot of validation. Not that the amount of positive validation predicts whether a marriage will succeed, but invalidation is a predictor of its failure.

What happens, as these patterns of miscommunication assert themselves, is that you come to associate your partner with pain. Partners grow angry or depressed or turn to other people as home (your refuge from the world) becomes a tense, unwelcoming place.

PREP teaches a variety of communication techniques, including one called the Speaker/Listener Technique, in which the speaker starts and keeps the floor while the listener speaks only to paraphrase what is being said - not to judge, jump in, criticize or evaluate. The floor is then passed to the listener, who becomes the speaker. One subject at a time is discussed. The focus is on having a good discussion, not on trying prematurely to come to solutions. ….This imposes a structures that helps couples get through difficulties. Men like it because it has rules. It is effective in a couple where one partner tends to be more verbal than the other.

XYZ TECHNIQUE: X is the issue or event you want to talk about, Y is when did it happen and Z is how does it make you feel?

"We teach couples to start formulating what they say to each other in terms of these statements. It’s not so easy. Every event has an entire connection and a time frame. We look at how people express themselves by blaming, saying…"You always…" or "You never…""

Saying "You always" or "You never" is intended only to hurt, as these statements are rarely true. It’s one of the destructive communication patterns PREP addresses. Others include: the summarizing-self syndrome, in which you repeat your own position repeatedly, not listening to your partner’s point of view; kitchen-sinking, or dragging in every possible complaint, especially ones unrelated to the original issue; insults or character assassinations, which can include sarcasm, name-calling and putdowns.

Effort counts. Look for something your partner has done that you can praise. Show interest in your partner’s activities. Ask questions and listen to the answers.

Politeness is important: give your partner a chance to finish speaking, try not to interrupt, be sincere about giving appreciation, instead of looking for things to complain about. And remember that today matters: focus on the here and now. Talk about what is happening in the present, not past resentments or problems.